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How often do you hear something kind about yourself and immediately dismiss it? It’s so common for that inner voice to jump in with a “Yeah, but…” before you can even enjoy the praise. That inner critic loves to argue against the evidence of our own growth.

I know this because it’s something I’ve been working on myself. As part of my goals for the New Year, I’ve decided it’s time to tackle this pattern of negative self-talk and start treating myself with the kindness I’d offer to anyone else; because no one deserves to be at war with themselves.

This pattern is familiar for so many of us. Someone offers a compliment or points out progress, and instead of accepting it, we focus on all the ways we still don’t measure up. 

So how does one stop this cycle? How do you turn down the volume on that inner critic and make space for self-kindness?

Let’s explore why this happens, what it costs, and how to shift the narrative.

Why We Do This

The inner critic stems from perfectionism, fear of failure, or even the environment in which we were raised. Growing up, many of us experienced success being quietly praised while mistakes were met with harsh criticism. Over time, the louder critic creates an ingrained belief that anything less than perfection isn’t good enough.

When someone offers a compliment, it challenges those beliefs. Thoughts like, “If they really knew me, they wouldn’t say that,” pop up as a way of protecting against disappointment. This protective instinct can actually keep us from seeing ourselves in a positive light.

The Cost of Listening to Your Inner Critic

Second-guessing compliments and victories comes at a cost. It keeps the focus on negativity, eroding self-esteem and making it harder to recognize progress. Over time, this cycle leads to burnout, increased stress, and a sense of stagnation. The critic tells you no matter how much you accomplish, it’s never enough.

It can also affect relationships. When someone shares kind words and they’re dismissed, it negates their perspective. It becomes difficult for others to celebrate us when we can’t celebrate ourselves.

Shifting the Narrative

The good news is that the inner critic doesn’t have to run the show. These strategies can help create space for self-kindness and quiet that critical voice:

1. Start a Compliment Bank

Every time someone gives a compliment, write it down. It could be as simple as, “You’re so thoughtful,” or as specific as, “Your presentation today was fantastic.” Keep these compliments in one place—a journal, a note on your phone, or even a jar—and revisit them whenever self-doubt starts creeping in.

Over time, this practice helps the mind focus on the positive. It’s a tangible reminder that others see value, even during moments of personal struggle.

2. Reframe the Thought

The next time you catch yourself dismissing a compliment, pause. Instead of responding with a “Yeah, but…” respond with, “Thank you for noticing that.”

You don’t have to fully believe the compliment right away—it might even feel like a lie at first. Accepting without argument is a powerful first step. With practice, taking in kind words helps them resonate more deeply.

3. Practice Self-Compassion Checks

When your inner critic starts to pipe up, ask yourself: “Would I say this to someone else?” or, “Would I say this to my younger self?” If the answer is no, take a moment to reflect: Why do you think it’s okay to say it to yourself now- then answer that question. By answering the right questions you’ll find growth in kindness.

4. Celebrate Small Wins

Growth is learning and adapting every day, even on the tough ones. Take time to acknowledge small victories, like staying calm during a stressful moment or completing a task you’ve been avoiding.

Add these victories to your Compliment Bank as a way to track your progress and give yourself a tangible sense of how far you’ve come.

5. Visualize Your Progress

Think back to where you were a year ago. What would that version of you say about how far you’ve come? The inner critic overlooks small changes, forgetting how they accumulate into significant growth over time.

Take a moment to give yourself credit for the journey, and the destination. Reflecting on progress helps you see that even in the messiness of life, you’re moving forward.

Celebrate Progress

It’s okay to have bad days. It’s okay to feel like you’re still figuring things out. And none of that negates the progress you’ve made. Growth isn’t a straight line, and it’s not about checking every box on an imaginary list. It’s about showing up, trying, and learning—day by day.

The next time someone offers a compliment, take a moment to pause. Accept it. Say thank you. You might be surprised by how good it feels to just… believe them.

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